Another day is almost over.  I am doing fairly well with my mom other than occasional frustartions, but these kind of dissapate soon.

I have pretty much done nothing but relax.  I certainly didn't do any of the work I have to do.  So I will have to do it later.  I have sat on the compter (not literaly, LOL) most of the day so tonight I have to get the Treasures report done for my meeting tomarrow.

I just wanted to say hello to everyone and Merry Meet.  I am doing my best to discover ways to deal with the stressers going on in my life.  They are better when I stop, take a breath and ask the Goddess to help me out.  That has been the best stress reliever I have ever tried.

Think Different

I am smiling now and not going to allow anyone elses mood get under my skin.  This day willbe the first of many good days.

In love and shining starlight

Blessing to all

Nancy

MM to all,

I am in need of keeping all posted to avoid a total melt down.  Actually I am in need of my friens and their willing support. 

One more time I bailed and am not able to place mom in an assisted living facility.  She so does not want to go to one and just be allowed to stay home.  The support I get from family is so minimal.  My neice and daughter both tell me I am nuts and that this is killing me.  My doctor is not real fond of the idea to let her be at home either.

My husband is at least telling me to let her stay home, even knowing the hills that my come and the less time he will have me at home.  I don't know where his wanting me to follow her wishes is coming from but I am happy there is someone who says they are behind me on this.

I called today and told the place I was going to take her that she would not be coming.  I cannot recall whaat they said about the $500.00 I put down to hold the room.  So right now I don't know if it will be returned or if it is just lost.  Either way it is the least of my concerns at the moment.

We found out that my daughter has end stage, phase one Degenerative bone disease.  this would totally make sence of all her back, neck and other health problems.  The doc told her that if she would have been x-rayed last year when this was going on the would have found it and could have been treating her this whole time.

I saw my doctor the other day and she actually got to see the massive jumping my legs are dooing now.  Once she managed to get my feet in the stirupps the would not stop jumping until I was sitting up again.  She wants ne to go back to the neurologist to lable it so that they can start treating it now.  Whoopee mor doctor bills and other expences that I have no money to pay, sure wish they would give me directions to that money tree.

Yes I can feel the bitterness rising up in me.  I am working hard to continue to fight it off.  It is becoming a dark cloud that engulfs me at times.  I do know that there are ways to deal with it appropriately, but there are times I can only ask for help to keep it and my anger in check for dealing with my life.  I am grateful that the out of control thoughts do not overwhelm me and I can still see the positive possibilities and focus on other life areas. 

I need to get ready to go up and bring mom down to my house again for the day.  This is the best way I have found to get us both through the day and allow me to get some typing and things done here.  I actually made me cook dinner for my husband last night because I needed to feed her too.  There are happy things coming out of all this.

Blessings to all, Nancy

This will be short, for me at least.  I am, with any luck going to be able to get my mother in an assisted living place by this weekend.  I am sad, scaired, and joyfull all at the same time,  Pretty emotionally slammed to the wall.  I have 2 places I would like to see her get into.  They are both very different and I have to choos one.  She can't in all fairness becuase I am lucky if she remembers anything 5 minutes let alone two faciities.

I just wanted to stop and say hello and let everyone know all is well here.  Any way on some level it is well.  I know that I am drained and just about have no energe left for me or anyone else.  I have to find a way to shrink my daily stressors where I can.  At least my home business is holding it's own so my spousal type person is not bugging me to look for a job right now.  He has really mellowed out since I have been doing so much with my mother.  It's one of those that is kind of a I need for you to at the very least support me in this since he won't  do anything else to help me out.

I am still doing the best I can to stay in touch with any part of my life that I can is down times.  My quandry has been sedated for at bit and I now have a plan of action.  I will take the one I have now and if we want to mover her later on we will.  Just that much of a plan has eased so much of the termoil in my head and heart to calm to a gentle scream.  The goddess and Gods do wo show me the path when I take a moment to listen. 

Blessings and joys to me and you.

MM

Life is still draging along.  We started the process to get my mom in an assisted living center.  We went to Twin and did an evaluation, she still qualifies to go too assisted living, it's the funding we can't do.  They want $2600.00 a month to have her there.

We are doing the paperwork now for Medicaide.  I avoided that as long as I could.  I don't want to have everything she has in her home to repay the state.  It is a painful deal but there are no options at this point.  I have come to realize that I can not do it all alone. 

I have wonderful women supporting me in this journey and for that I am grateful.  All of these friends are people I have met in places like this.  Amazing concept, this internet.  The people in my life woutside of these places apparently are what you call fair weather frinds.  When I am centered and things are going well they are there otherwise, my problems are mine and they have no time.  NO THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO ANYONE WHO IS ABLE TO A FRIEND ON ANY OF MY PLACES SUCH AS THIS.

 When I am struggling with helping my mom keeping her unconfused and remembering where she is and that she is not moving, I am struggling with making enough money to at least put some on them so they back off.  It is hard to do because I also like to shop.  I shop Walley World and K Mart type stores but it is still a temporary solution to a very long term problem. :(

A have to remember all the things I have to be grateful for each day.  There is a lot and I feel better after I refocus on the positive aspects of my life.  Sounds easy don't it?  NOT  It is hard sometimes to hang onto the good stuff.  Due to this and being extremely Poor it helps fuel my depression and that keeps me from getting anything done.  I have 4 reports to get done that are late to the courts.  Not good since the courts are the ones who keep me going most of the time.  Them, attorneys, and the local police.

I don't leave the hose much at all.  That drives me crazier than calls from the bill collectors.  Telemarketers are still the the number 1 on the list of what makes me nuts.

I plan on going to a meeting tomarrow morning regarding drug/alcohol laws, rules and needs in this area.  That will begin getting me back into the swing of what's going on.  I need CEU's, fast, and this is the best way to find out what is available.  I just hope that it will also allow me to just get out of the house uninvolved with all the heart stuff I have going on.

Love to all, BB

I just got to thinking that if I truely believe talking about things takes the power out of them, I need to talk. 

Life and being bi-polar is getting the best of me.  I have gone into a funk from hell.  It has been going on for a couple of weeks.  I don't seem to be able to get myself moving to do anything.  My house is going to pot even though I want to get up and get things done, or at least I know I need to do things like dust, vacumn, run the dishwasher, etc.  I tend to think about these things and then go into brain fade and don't think about them again for a few hours. 

I do know that I need to push myself through this, and that it too shall pass.  Years of experience and some ability to remember things I realize that I have ot not let it rule me  if I ever want to get out of this.  Some of it I also know is brought on be my life situations now.  I am, to all extents and purposes, unemployed right now, No income, and have been continuing to care for my mother, who seems to be getting worse.  It is all causing a lot of insanity and problems in my home and my life.

My best and most comfortable time of the day seem to be the last couple of hours asleep, and very late at night or early in the morning however you want to look at it.  The sleep part is because that is when the puppy comes and is ready to cuddle in bed.  I just feel loved and secure than. 

Late nights is due to the fact that I seem to be unable to sleep, or go in to bed one, and it is so quiet outside.  I live in town, it is exceptionally rural, and all the traffic is died sown and the sky is lit up with stars as far as I can see.  I just so wish that it could be like this more.  I loved living in the country where there were more stars to see and it was quiet a lot.  I doubt this will happen again though.

I feel like I am whining.  I am glad that I have friends and people who care enough to be concerned about me when I am not around for a while.  That's a lot more than some people have in their lives. 

Time to get off my butt and start pushing the dark curtains aside and get moving. 

Nancy